HOW CAN THE SIX STAGES OF ATTACHMENT HELP RECONCILIATION AND RECONNECTION AT HOME OR AT WORK?
- Belonging or Loyalty
- Being Known
In the book Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté MD they talk about six stages of attachment in the development of children. As a project and change manager I see similar stages in leadership and change.
Attachment Stage # 1 Proximity
What it is: The need to be close, to touch you, to be touched by you, to be nearby, to see you, to hear you, to smell you.
Attachment Stage # 2 Sameness
What it is: starting at two people tend to want to be like the people they love.
Attachment Stage # 3. Belonging/Loyalty
What it is: A strong sense of acceptance as a family unit to you and one or two other key caregivers. A sense of you ‘belonging’ to your child. This can feel like ‘ownership’ or possessiveness, but is based on a strong sense of unconditional belonging.
Attachment Stage #4: Significance
What it is: The need for a child to feel special, to feel significant to those closest to them.
Attachment Stage #5: Love
What it is: This stage is all about the need to be loved —we’ve loved our children, but this is the stage to make sure that our love comes through in our actions and our tone at a time of day when we feel ready to focus inward and “tap out”.
Attachment Stage 6: Being Known
What it is: A strong sense that the key people in a child’s life know him or her well, and have a deep sense of who they truly are. “Children do not experience our intentions, no matter how heartfelt. They experience what we manifest in tone and behaviour.” (Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate, Hold Onto Your Kids)
This is a useful model for parents, and I came across this in my work for James Ark, a charity breaking the cycle of fatherless homes by supporting fathers and their families suffering from long-term separation to find effective ways to reconnect with their children.
But is it interesting to consider also the Allen Curve for example that talks about PROXIMITY: The Allen Curve is an illustration of how, in an office setting, people who are stationed within 10 meters of one another have the highest probability of communication
We see icons, images, uniforms and branding reflecting SAMENESS and BELONGING/ LOYALTY. We note the importance of EQ or EI in SIGNIFICANCE and BEING KNOWN. It should not really be a surprise that the things that bring connection within a family might also be relevant between people in an organisation.
The book Hold On to Your Kids suggests modern life has undermined this important nurturing connection, when children spend more time with their peers, play-groups, gaming and each-other, reducing the time and connection with parents. The vacuum of a parental role model is filled with increasing their time and allegiance to less mature and not always wise direction of similar youth.
This is surely why in organisations we “have management by walking about” and “town hall” style presentations to maintain the role modelling and following.
Written to help parents, understanding attachment may be useful for leaders and those who want to develop their EQ or EI.
SOURCE, RESOURCE, LINKS IN COMMENTS BELOW
If you are interested in Coaching or Mentoring, for you or your team send a direct message, I would be happy to discuss.
ICF Coach, IoD Mentor, Mediation Practitioner, Change Practitioner
Mob 447797762051 Tim@ThinkingFeelingBeing.com
Helping people and organisations achieve their goals: We #facilitate and #support the #thinking, #feeling and #action needed to #resolve and move forward.
#timhjrogers #coach #mentor #mediation #jersey
James Ark Jersey, Breaking The Cycle Of Fatherless Homes